How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
