Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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