It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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