Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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