dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
