My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Someone shattered a urinal.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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