i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
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