I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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