The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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