she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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