I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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