I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
