stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
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Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
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I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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