I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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