It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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