Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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