Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
