i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
