I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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