i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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