Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
