Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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