if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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