Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
