why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
