I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
