After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
