I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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