Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
