I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
