Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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