Moan for me like Helen Keller
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Drunk is a universal language darling
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