From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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