Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
