I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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