I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
