drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
