I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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