Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
