Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
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I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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