its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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