Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
