i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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