I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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