I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
