At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
