So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
