nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
