I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
