I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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