Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
