So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
