I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The best revenge is premature balding
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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