How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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