I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
