It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
