I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
