Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
