Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
