How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
