shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
